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Inside the Mind of Mat
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Thursday, July 21, 2005  
I delivered my first baby yesterday and repaired the episiotomy (for those who don't know, its when the doctor cuts the vagina open to make room for the head. Sometimes it can rip by itself so if the delivering doctor sees a tear might happen they'll usually make it themselves so as to have more control on how it tears). I don't know who's smile was bigger the baby's parents or myself. It was her 5th baby, my first delivery. It was almost felt like it was my first baby.

Oh and another baby I delivered by c-section took my name...Matthew. Yeah I know mine is spelt with one 'T' and I'm not sure if they had chosen the name before, but thats still cool holding a little Matthew. Woah...gets me to start thinking, imagine little Mathews running around, thats a trip.

6:07 PM

Tuesday, July 05, 2005
My biggest fear stems from the uncertainty of my abilities or knowledge. I mean in school we practiced on pretend patients with pretend problems. These are real patients, with real problems, and I'm doing real procedures on them and it scares me to think what if I screw up. My mind has been freezing at the simple pimping questions, despite the fact that I might know the answer, that it might lie in my head some how, somewhere. I think I choke up, becuase I only think I know the answer, but not sure I know the answer, actually, am I even sure I know exactly what the question is? Do you want the answer in a form of a question? How about getting that question in the form of a multiple choice question...omg, he asked me this question before...shit how could I forget it it so fast. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Hard part is this is the first rotation, and I'm solo on it, its only me who sinks or swims. I feel like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz...need some c-c-c-courage.

On the otherhand. Actually started doing things to patients, checking them up, history, physical, paps, strep-test, listening to the baby's heart beat, assisting in C-sections, and today I had my first go at sutures, sewed that lady right up. Preceptor hasn't complained, so I guess I'm performing at a level consistent with my level. Only thing is, still not really sure what I'm doing...I'm waiting for that one day when the training and practice come together and it all clicks. I guess there's really no way to prepare for all of this, because honestly, who's gonna sit there and let you practice using a speculum all day or sit there and let you tap into all their veins so you can practice putting in an IV or drawing blood.

I suppose practice starts now...maybe thats why they call it practicing medicine instead of just doing medicine.

7:38 PM


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